Power struggle

This is a post I've not been so looking forward to writing, but feel very much lead to do it.

Lately, I've been dealing with the thought of being done having biological children. This is a choice God is very much calling me to make. I look at adoption and do not feel as though it is a secondary alternative in any way.

However, there is a hanging thought in the back of my head that keeps saying but what if. But what if the adoption falls through in some way and pregnancy is the only way you can add to your family?

The thought of being done adding to our family kills me!!! I feel like raising kids and taking care of my family is what I am called to do! I feel like it's what I'm good at.

Then, it was like a sudden epiphany the other day. God knows I want nothing more than to have a big family and raise my children to the best of my ability. He is also telling me I need to step out in faith and be done having biological children without the assurance that an adoption will be completed. (As you know, nothing is a guarantee in adoption until everything is finalized and the child is home). I've been wanting to put off making anything permanent (uh hem, with a vasectomy) until we had a child home. It's been really hard for me to give this up! But I feel it needs to be done.

So my epiphany was this: God knows my heart. God wants me to give my ENTIRE life to him in every aspect. And most of all, God will place new desires in my heart for a new plan if I am open to his will! Majorly comforting!!! I will not be unhappy if I am following God even if he has an entirely different plan for my life than what I think I want. My life is to be a sacrifice to him, and he can do whatever he wants with me.

It's very hard to give up this power struggle, but very necessary. I've given my children to him and the Lord can give or take them from me because I have given them back to him. They are not mine. Nothing I have is mine.

So, just as I have given my two beautiful boys to him, I will have to give any future children to him as well, and if he chooses to bless me with more, that's wonderful. And if he chooses not to give us anymore, I will choose to be content knowing he has another plan for us. He is not going to waste my life if I am willing to use it for him.

Anyway, that being said, we are making things permanent and stepping out in faith. I am nervous, yes, but I also have comfort.

Okay, speaking of my beautiful boys, both have woken up from their naps, and one is begging me to play Bob the Builder on here. :)

I'm not really sure why I felt the need to share this online, as it's very personal, but at the same time, I really felt like I needed to.